| coming clean |
[01 Jul 2005|09:33pm] |
this is public because this is pretty much a clean break for me.
this is also the last entry that i think i'm ever going to post in this journal. i have a new one that i've started in, without anyone knowing for some time now. online journals have always kept my thoughts together, and helped me vent at times.
i think i've learned a good lesson these last two years.
to say the least, i've met alot of worthless people in that time and i'm finally starting to weed them out. i'm the type of person that needs structure - friendships, realationships, memories... i'm starting to learn to not force people to meet my expectations, or hold them for that matter.
alot of "good people" have let me down. i always thought my friend christina would be one of those people i grew old with - that would know my kids, possibly be a godmother. she's just one of those people i thought had my back. after introducing her to her crush-of-the-month, things went downhill between us. don't get me wrong, i'm glad she has the abilty to make friends with people as easily as i do, but when you play the "well she said..." game - friendships get stale. maybe somewhere that's my fault though. she just happens to hold relationships in a higher light then friendships that have lasted 6 years.
i'm not regretful of any friendships or realtionships i held. it's a win - win situations... you live/love and learn. right?i just learned that you truely can't judge a book by it's cover, or it's back - because some of the things you can percieve about a person - whether it be honesty or arrogance - can't be recognized until it's too late.
a good friend of mine, whom which i turned out to not be a good friend to, told me once "stop pulling your punches". i used to be the type of person to let everyone walk all over me - ever since i was younger. i never had control of friendships/realtionships/my own destiny. i was the kid that everyone knew they could get one over on. that changed the first time i got my heart broken. i learned that you have to stand up for yourself sometimes... if people know they can walk all over you - they will. i mean, who doesn't enjoy an easy target?
although i don't think this friend would be so proud of me now, i litteraly didn't pull my punches. i ended up fighting my... ex-bestfriend, i guess you could say. it was inevitable. she's still running her mouth - which i expected but now it doesn't even phase me. when i truely write someone off - i do. the same thing with brittany - things could never start between us again - whether it be a friendship or a relationship. after writing her off, things just improved so much. i hardly think about her anymore - sad to say but true.
i was sitting on top of her one fist holding a handful of her mangled hair from my struggle to drop her to the ground, and the other fist her hand tightly wrapped around mine and my thigh on her thigh pinning her to the ground. i find meaning in this. normally, i would continue pounding her face in (whether it would hurt her or not), which i planned on, but i looked into her eyes and saw the person i had so many good times with over last summer. maybe i'm a sucker for my heart - but i truely cared about this girl. she was my bestfriend. it hurt me to know such a relationship could go to shit.
it hurt me to know that she could betray me in such a way that our parting of ways would end in this.
thinking about it, i'm not sure where things first even went sour?
i consider myself one of the most loyal people to my real friends. if any of my friends need me - i'm always there no matter what i'm doing. i always have been and always will be. but - i treat others as they treat me. i've got a few good people that still have my back - and a great friend i've met out of the mess of confusion whom is slowly becoming my bestfriend. plus, some new perspective on having expecations for people.
you live and learn.
this time, i'm truely washing myself clean of this.
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[02 Apr 2005|09:30pm] |
heartache and heart break,
fall down to then fall forward.
with this begins the end.
it's all there, i can feel it
can you?
i need time to think, you said
and so do i.
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| hypertrophic cardiomyopathy |
[28 Mar 2005|12:00am] |
when i used to volunteer at west jersey hospital i had a strange conversation once with a lady who couldn't have been older than 35, that was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy five mintues previous to our conversation. i was filling cabinets in the ER with supplies, just like every other day. i said "good morning" to her out of habit and smiled what i thought was a inconspicuous fake smile, and as i started to walk away, she questioned why i was unhappy. she caught me off guard. i attempted to play it off as if she were completely in left field and i was the happiest person to ever grace this earth, and shot her another smile, this time more convincing... or so i thought. i never claimed to be a good actress, but most people will fall for any act i throw down at them. she told me i was transparent to her, and asked me if i had a moment to sit down. reluctantly i did, mostly because we are supposed to make our guests comfortable, and i felt guilty for sending out such a negative vibe, that a patient actually picked up on it. i also didn't have the energy or will power to argue.
she didn't ever question what was wrong with me after that. she just started talking away. i listened. one of my teachers told me once, that you should always listen to people and actually think about what they're saying, no one really ever does. i laughed at it when he said it... but since then i always have. i've noticed over the years how many people pretend to listen to things that you're saying, but never really contemplate anything. they just never bother.
she mumbled almost inaudibly through the heart monitors around her about how ironic life was. i noticed she kept referring to things in past tense. that's when she explained to me that she was diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which is a rare misfunction of the muscles in the heart which causes the walls to thicken. she laughed a nervous smile, but somehow she seemed relieved by it. "i'd kill for a cigarette about now...", she expressed, putting her hand up to her forehead while laying back into her cot; that's where she revealed the series of events leading up to her being "hospitalized for her cold heart". she illustrated how she fell out of love with the man she thought was perfect, after having an affair with a friend whom she never had looked at in that light. she seemed like she felt guilty for destroying his world... they were highschool sweethearts and everything he did was always perfect and she seemed completely perplexed by the idea that he wasn't enough. i spoke my first words then, to make sure she knew i was listening, i questioned her morals and asked if she thought that she may have been insatiable? she looked up at me with empty eyes; she knew she was, and she knew that i was just like her. we both smiled a real smile, but we both knew we were fucked in the respect that we'd never be happy, and for a moment there i felt comfort in knowing that there was someone out there that felt the same way as me.
she told me making love to her friend was strange and even foreign, since she'd never made love to another man but her husband. she told me the sensation of having another mans hands on her thighs as he bent her over and etched rapture into her world... she said that there was nothing like it. she began to render her bliss into an image that seemed nothing short of an impeccable fifteen mintues. i questioned her motives towards this 'friend' she spoke of... "i haven't spoken to him since... our encounter," she said half-heartedly. when i inquired her about another "encounter" in the future, she seemed standoffish and unenthusiastic about anything concerning her lover-friend. at this point, i had to be getting back to work. i apologized for having to leave, and she thanked me for taking the time to listen, and gave me a smile (which was ironically fake). i was put under the impression she wasn't done talking with me, and was aggravated when i insisted i had to get back to work.
she said it was ironic that her cold heart was hardening, litterally.
she passed away there about an hour later... sudden death. i regret never asking her name.
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[04 Mar 2005|10:28am] |
Miss northern practicality
sheared her long hair short
to dance for the midnight hour
by the rhythm of blues
With nothing on
but a white cotton slip
she shed morality
to lay in the lap of pleasure
She divorced reason
to be seduced by rhyme
and she disavowed propriety
for the arms of leisure
But in the morning light
that laid her secrets out
she found she was not made
to stand free at such a price.
And wrapped herself again in
sweaters and forgotten morals
also finding she was not made
to stand ashamed with reminders.
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[21 Feb 2005|12:32pm] |
I wrote you love letters
on my legs
With an orange sharpie
long after you decided to leave
Words of anger and sadness
slowly sunk and spread
over my skin
As the red on my lips
smudged impossibly;
a sure sign of determination
because I was --
I was determined
Hell bent on purging you
out of my system.
( but i only succeeded... )
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[13 Feb 2005|01:55am] |
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| time. |
[29 Jan 2005|07:26pm] |
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[19 Jan 2005|11:29pm] |
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[19 Oct 2004|08:09pm] |
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i might be doing something right for once.
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[06 Oct 2004|03:52pm] |
when you tried to build me up with the wrong words, all it did was kill me.
and when you said you trust in all that I ( feel ), i never quite believed you.
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| no more head trips |
[04 Oct 2004|08:22pm] |
i can't pretend, i don't need to defend some part of me from ( you )
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[02 Oct 2004|02:09pm] |
i think brandon boyd's got the right idea when he says you can spontaneously combust.
i'm glad it's finally october. this is my favorite month of the entire year. i'm amp'ed about pulling out my sweaters and hoodies and to go play in the leaves.
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| daylight whipped me into shape |
[28 Sep 2004|07:36pm] |
i'm tierd of always running. i'm tierd of always being so unsure of everything.
i hate the feeling when your stomach drops and it burns. i hate when your eyes swell from crying and i hate how they burn from mascara. i hate how you can place everying in those momments; you know exactly what's going on and how there's nothing you can do to change that -- or how naive you were in the first place. the laughs that are louder than they should be. how everyone in that momment becomes faceless to you, and you feel completely empty... how that feeling can stick around for the longest time. how your head spins and how your eyes can't focus on anything; just looking around to find something to distract your mind, anything at all. spinning and spinning. how everything hurts so much, and every word burns.
that's why.
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[12 Sep 2004|07:25pm] |
all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try fail and try and try again
someday i swear i'm going to get it
because i'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is
<3
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